When Parents Do Too Much
As college application season approaches, a familiar pattern often emerges: parents want to help their teenagers succeed, so they begin stepping in to manage parts of the process. The motivation is understandable. Applying to college can feel overwhelming, and parents naturally want to reduce stress for their child.
But there is an important difference between supporting a teenager and taking over the process.
Researchers have begun studying what is often called “overparenting.” In one large analysis of more than 21,000 participants, researchers found a clear pattern: the more parents overhelp, the worse children’s mental health tends to be. Higher levels of overparenting were associated with increased anxiety, higher rates of depression, and lower resilience. The effects were even stronger as children got older.
Researchers describe overparenting as developmentally inappropriate control. In other words, it happens when adults step in to manage tasks that a child or teenager is capable of learning to do themselves.
The intention usually comes from love. Parents want to smooth the path and prevent mistakes. But when young people are constantly protected from small challenges, they miss opportunities to build independence and problem-solving skills. Too much help now can unintentionally create helplessness later. The college application process is actually an ideal opportunity for students to begin developing these skills.
When parents take over tasks such as emailing admissions offices, resolving scheduling questions, or communicating with counselors, it can send an unintended message: I don’t think you can handle this yourself. Even when that is not the intention, teenagers often internalize that message. Over time, it can weaken their confidence in their ability to manage important responsibilities.
Students are about to enter a stage of life where they will be expected to advocate for themselves. In college, professors expect students, not parents, to ask questions about assignments or grades. If a roommate conflict arises, students must work through it themselves. If they need help with financial aid, registration, or academic advising, they will be the ones expected to contact the appropriate office.
Guidance and coaching can be incredibly helpful. Learning how to do these things while still living at home provides an important safety net. For example, if a student needs to call an admissions office, a parent can help them think through what they want to ask or review an email before it is sent. Parents can help students organize deadlines, talk through decisions, and offer perspective when emotions run high.
When students write the email, make the phone call, or solve the problem themselves, they gain something far more valuable than a completed task: confidence. They learn that they are capable of navigating the adult world. The college application process is actually an ideal opportunity for students to begin developing these skills.
The goal is not to solve every problem for teenagers. The goal is to prepare them to solve problems on their own.
